I made a choice today. And although I always thought it would be a hard decision to make, it wasn't. It actually seemed quite natural.

Part of what I've been learning lately is not to do things "my way". (That phrase always conjures up the image of Frank Sinatra). Having learned to be independent this requires some adjustments. We'll see how things go.

I feel like I am caught in the middle of a business transaction. Only, this time, it's not about haggling for Italian artwork, German chocolate or Spanish leather, it's about my heart. "Should we go with A who provides _, _ and _, or should we go with B who provides _, _ and _? Or, maybe we need to take a look at C and D, you know, shop around a bit and see what's out there?"

Can we please stop treating this like a business transaction? I only have so much heart and right now, it's feeling very caught in the middle.

"There's a gentleness about you. You're strong and yet gentle. You're a leader but you're submissive in that you know when to pull back and follow."


~ That happened this evening. What a unique and meaningful compliment.

This week has been a blur. Everything that's gone on, all the tears shed, all the misunderstandings cleared up, I feel like a month has gone past. This afternoon is going to be the finale of a week caught in whirlwind - moving forward but whirling through the past and taking pieces with into the future. I'm nervous, apprehensive and excited, part of me can hardly wait. This afternoon is going to be memorable.


Aut disce aut discede.

I am His

I first came across the following song last summer, while living with my cousin. While I enjoyed listening to it then, it took on special meaning while I was in Austria. My favourite part is probably the last two verses.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Brought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

In Christ Alone ~ Newsboys

Brilliant

Typography and chocolate? Love it.

Sweeping eggshells still at 3 a.m.
We're trying far too hard
The tattered thought balloons above our heads
Sinking in the weight of all we need to say
Why's and what if's have since long played out
Left us short on happy endings

And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never

~ Now or Never, Josh Groban

I said something about the past and it has unleashed an ominous storm.

Not doing too great.

When it rains it pours

Two in less than 24 hours? Yeah right. I can hardly keep my own life together, now I have to consider keeping someone else's together too?

Not cool.


Ok, well, actually it is rather cool. I'm flattered and all that other stuff, but at the same time? Yeah. I don't think I'm in a good place to be having a relationship right now. Let alone trying to pick one over the other.

Or, is my problem that I am being to picky and should get over the concept of holding out for "Mr. Perfect".

Telepathic? Not me.

Ever had this happen to you?

Someone asks you about something and you're not quite sure what he or she is getting at? You look perplexed, "Excuse me, what are you talking about?"

After a few minutes of vague and elusive answers you still aren't sure what the point is. You ask, "What is going on? I'm not sure what you are getting at. Can you explain it to me?" He or she does. Well, sort of. The "explanation" is hardly an explanation at all. In fact, it's more of an accusation.

By now you're not only getting annoyed, but you're also feeling a little blindsided. To make matters worse, you still aren't sure exactly what the purpose of the conversation is. What is going on? Instead of loosing your temper you ask for clarification. Again.

And, once again, the response is vague. But not only is the response vague but it is also pointed enough for you to know that this person is upset about something and that something has to do with you.

What is that something? How is that something related to you? You're still not sure. You're frustrated. You play the 'blunt' card. "I don't understand. Tell me, what am I supposed to know? What do you mean?"

The response?

"You're a smart girl. Figure it out."


For the record, I hate that answer. Not despise. Hate.


Yes, I am a smart girl.

But you?

You. Have the courage to tell me what is upsetting you so much. And, if you don't have the courage? Why are we having this conversation in the first place? Why do you have the audacity to assume I'll know what is upsetting you?

If you're upset with me, be blunt. Enough of this cryptic behaviour. Be a man (or a woman) and just say it. And if you can't say it (because you're scared or whatever else), then take a moment and think. Should you really be opening your mouth in the first place?

By being vague, you're not helping the situation. You're getting more upset with me for 'not being smart enough to know what's bothering you' and I'm getting more upset with you for not telling me straight up. Great. Wouldn't it just have been easier to tell me exactly what the problem is?

You may be shocked to discover that although I have a few guesses on what is bothering you, I'm not sure which one of those guesses is correct. Do you really want me to guess? (No, no you don't. My guesses aren't 'nice' ones.)

I was asking for the truth, just tell it to me. And if it is something uncomfortable like "You're being a bitch", it'll be good for you to get it off your chest. And, it'll be good for me to know I'm bothering you. Yes, I might ask you questions like "What specifically about my behaviour is bothering you?", but how am I supposed to change if I don't know?

You really don't feel comfortable telling me? Fine. But, do not - do not - expect me to know what you are thinking. Not now. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

I was given flowers today. Nothing too glamorous and yet nothing to ordinary. A few lilies, Gerber daises, and some funky purple flowers. It was the perfect way to end a stressful work week.

(I'll try and remember to post a picture next week).