Note to M.

I like that you still ask if you can call me. The respect you show me makes me feel treasured. Thank you.

Thank you for standing up for me tonight. The calm resolve in your voice and the steel in your eyes meant a lot. I could try and describe it, but I can't do it justice. Please know that while I can't put my feelings into words, your comments tonight meant the world to me. Thank you.

Note to M.

I think I like you. Let me rephrase that, I know I like you.

Things that scare me - #3

Going through childbirth.


Scares me spitless. To the point of never wanting to touch a guy.


I'd say it scares the **** out of me, but that's not strong enough.


Don't try and trivialize it by saying I'd look so cute pregnant or it's just a fear of the unknown.
Giving birth scares me. Please don't try to discredit that.


And don't - do not - preach a sermon about how it's worth it or how the positives outweigh the negatives. I've heard that all my life and look at how convincing that argument has been.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I spent the day in the mountains - hiking through the snow, eating Mexican cuisine and enjoying part of my Christmas present: a sleigh ride. Not just any sleigh ride, an hour tour through the forests and over the fields and marshes around Banff. Here are a few pictures of the day.

Coming towards the mountains

Sunshine on the mountaintops
(experimenting with the black and white settings on my camera)

Elk on the drive into and out of Johnston Canyon

En route to the Lower and Upper Falls of Johnston Canyon

Only two days of work left. My last workterm for school has flown by. I can hardly believe that some much has happened since I got back from Europe.

I know I haven't been posting regularly, hopefully things will get better once I finish work.

In all the vague postings recently, I thought I'd break from the pattern and share something lighthearted and good...

I saved my company over two thousand dollars today. :)

I'll be the first to admit it, I get scared easily.

This evening I had a less than pleasant talk with someone about the past. Part of me really wants to run away from the issue. Another part of me wants to act all tough and pretend things are cool. Another part of me wants to grit my teeth and face things head on.

I decided to face things head on.


(But, I looked into flights "just for the fun of it" and, they're tempting. Very tempting.)

And then you threaten me...



Thanks. I don't know how I'm going to be able to continue this.

You are one of the hardest people to please. Actually, now that I pause and think about it for a moment, I think you are the hardest person to please. Nothing I seem to do seems to be quite right. I don't know how long I can keep trying to please you. Not only is it incredibly difficult to make you happy, it never seems to be good enough.

And then you pull the "guilt" card. "Well, I guess we know where your priorities are. This shows what's really important to you."

What the --- ? (Insert whatever but I prefer to leave blank because I don't a word that properly describes my feeling) All this time I have been trying to make you happy, to be a success, to do things how you want them done and you play the guilt card?

When will what I do be good? Not ok. But good. No if's, and's, or but's?


For the record, it really hurts when you play that card. It makes me feel like....no, I'm not answering that in public.

I spent the last hour and a half doing research for a paper for school/work. The amount of information available is phenomenal - to the point of making me contemplate quitting work and school, cocooning myself up in a library somewhere with my laptop and Internet connection and reading, reading, reading.