**This is a back post from last Sunday. I wrote it, but wasn't sure if I wanted to post it or not...don't bother reading it if you're looking for something light and entertaining.**

Today was...I'm not sure how'd you describe it. There were some moments that were great, others that were alright and others that were lonely.

When do you step back and sit on the sidelines?

Every so often I stop and think. Today's topic: when do you let things go?

Let me give you some background. Over the weeks, I've come to realize how focused mankind is. Whether it's focusing on a hockey game, focusing on making next month's rent or focusing on moment, we really like to focus.

Today one of the girls at church was celebrating her birthday. There were two birthday cakes, presents and the younger single church crowd all went over to the local chinese restaurant for lunch.

How do you integrate into your surroundings? Do you integrate at all?

Today has been a day of paradoxes. Actually, to be honest, this whole trip has so far been (and I think will continue to be) filled with paradoxes.

One the one hand, I struggle because I have such a hard time understanding the abstract mix of German, Yiddish, Czech and ??? but on the other hand, I often am mistaken as an exchange student from Germany.

On the one hand I'm included in some of the events (such as working in the cafe at church or going out for lunch for one of the girls' birthdays) but on the other hand, I don't understand all the jokes or stories.

So when do you know when to stop? I appreciate how friendly some of the people have been, but when do I say "No"? Talking to a few of the girls today I realized how brief my time here is. I've walked into their worlds for a few months and then I'm gone. Is it fair for me to expect us to become good friends? Is it fair to expect to be drawn into their worlds? I almost think not. Sure, we'll talk and make plans, but it's not nearly the same. My conflict management Prof. was talking about "Ebenen" (levels or layers) in relationships and how they influence interaction. If someone who you have placed on one of the outer relationship levels tries to interact in a way that doesn't correspond with that level, it creates a conflict. It might just be something minor or it might be really odd and disconcerting (e.g. the grocery store clerk asks you to witness the signing of his will). Personally I think my Prof. has a solid case.

For the most part, I've been accepted here in Austria. In some cases I've been accepted and categorized into one of the outer levels while in other cases I've been accepted and categorized a little closer to the middle. Cool. No big deal, right? That is, until I started thinking about what levels I'm placed into and what influences where I'm placed. Then I started thinking about where I place people.

At first I thought I wasn't categorizing people at all. But I was. For example, every Sunday I have a choice: I can go home on my own, or I can ask for a ride (I've been going home on my own). In refusing to ask for a ride, I've been setting a boundary without even realizing it: "You people are great, but - I don't want you to take me home. We're just not at that point." Yes, it's something small and really, quite insignificant, but pause, and think about it for second.

Everything you do (even the things that you don't do) communicate what level of relationship you've categorized the other person into. Ordinary decisions are not actually so ordinary are they? By deciding not to eat lunch with your colleagues, or by calling to chat with someone you're either consciously or unconsciously categorizing and re-categorizing people. Maybe you're trying to keep some further away on the outer levels or maybe you're trying to keep some closer on the inner levels. Either way, everyone is categorized.

Realizing this, was freeing and at the same time a little frightening. It means that at the end of the day, if I've done my best to befriend someone that's all I can do. I can only work with my own levels, I can try and try to come closer, ultimately though, you decide what level to put me on.

Another example that (I think) portrays the concept of relationship levels really well is pre-teen and teenage girl friendships. From my own personal experience and from watching lives around me, I think we tend to place new friends on our inner levels very quickly. I'd suggest in most cases we place them too quickly (hmmm...this opens up new theory possibilities...I'll have to think about the consequences of placing people too quickly...hmmm). After awhile (days, weeks, months ...or even hours) the friendship withers and someone else (who usually has been on one of the outer relationship levels) is re-categorized and placed on one of the inner levels. How often does this happen? Ask any girl who her best friends were from three years ago. Two years ago? One year ago? Six months ago? You'll probably get a number of different names and maybe even an explanation or two as to why a relationship went sour.

Is this "relationship level" concept wrong? No, I don't think so. Is overhyped? I'm not sure. I'm looking forward to what else the Prof. has to the say though. I'd especially like to hear his thoughts on fear in relationships.

In one of my last theory classes one of the Profs emphasised the importance of guilt in life and how guilt affects us and the decisions we make. Although I agreed with some of his points, I do think that fear also plays a huge role. I can't speak for society, but I know that for me, fear plays a larger role than I'd like to admit. Sometimes fear can have a positive effect (e.g. I'm too fearful of the consequences, so I don't rob banks) on the other hand, I think fear effects how and what relationship levels people are categorized into and this can have a negative effect.

Last spring I was faced with a tough decision: do I go ahead even though this is something completely new and foreign or do I stop and not risk getting hurt. It was hard. There was the possibility of something new and exciting but at the same time it was unfamiliar and like all unfamiliar things there was fear of the unknown. Looking back I'm glad with the decision I made. Yes, things weren't always perfect but, there were moments when they were. And those moments? Those moments, were worth it.

How does this relate to you? That depends on you. I've gone on and on about levels and fear and effects. You didn't actually have to read this far. But you did, and that action would imply that you've placed me on a layer where reading my whole blog post is important to you. Would you go do something then? Would you go think about the relationship levels you place people on? And, would you pause and think about those people who you've kept on the outer levels? Why are they there?